I hate livejournal

New York City blow jobs

2008-02-26T05:12:53Z

Hi.

Last night, I had a very vivid sexual dream involving four of my friends.

Let's just say that my subconscious thinks one of them gives REALLY incredible head.

I'll leave this person unnamed, except to say that he identifies as male (I think).

Anyway, I woke up in Val's bed with a raging hard-on that I hope wasn't poking her all night.

Today was a beautiful day in NYC. The sidewalks are made of hexagons. It was warm and sunny

and gave me a renewed sense of life.

"In NYC, your heart may break, but the show must go on"

At the museum of natural history, I looked at African mammals. I saw an exhibit with zebras

and they were grazing, except for one baby zebra, which was positioned so that its head was shoved

directly up and under an adult zebra's crotch. For some reason it reminded me of my dream.

The show goes on...

flapjack_shit @ 2008-02-17T16:11:00

2008-02-17T21:21:01Z

Today is Sunday.

Sunday is a good day because...

It is the day of our Christian lord.

I plan on starting to read the bible soon and I am wondering about which edition to get.

I want the most unbiased version, please.

Any suggestions?

I downloaded stumbleupon for firefox and it's a great way to kill time.

I put socialism as one of my stumble interests, thinking it had to do with socialites,

which I'm really interested in. I found out that it actually has to do with the political

movement, which, let's face it, is pretty lame and boring.

This week I'm going to go to see an opera twice because mark and chris are in different casts.

It will be fun to compare them.

flapjack_shit @ 2008-01-07T00:42:00

2008-01-07T05:45:23Z

Hey Big news!

The play that Val and I wrote, "The Law According to Clown" was chosen for the mcgill drama festival. It's about boners and clowns and big tits, so if you like these kinds of things you should see it.

On friday we have to go to a bagel and cream cheese mixer to meet the directors.
The e-mail said the quality of plays this year was particularly high so bonus!

Also, I just cream cheesed my pants.

!!!

Oh yeah and my cherry got popped last night.

Night!

flapjack_shit @ 2007-12-20T11:06:00

2007-12-20T16:07:42Z

Yay I passed french and now i have a legitimate french minor
and dont need to lie on my c.v.

flapjack_shit @ 2007-12-17T20:55:00

2007-12-18T02:03:54Z

Hey chicas,

today was shopping day...

I meant to buy christmas gifts.

Oops I spent a shit load of money on myself. hit em up style.

i bought:

two pairs of jeans from lucky
a bag from fossil
underwear and long johns from jockey
a sweater from diesel
and val bought me a lovely scarf from brooks brothers

it was surprisingly cheap.

Honestly, i meant to buy for others and i had them on my mind, but all i saw was stuff that i wanted.
also i ate applebee's and i was stoned for half of the shopping experience. oops. lol.

flapjack_shit @ 2007-12-17T11:08:00

2007-12-17T16:17:10Z

Dear journal,

Today is my third day in new york.

So far I have:

-eaten delicious bagels
-been stoned
-gone to the mall stoned and put on all the hand creams at bath and body works
-been drunk
-watched the exorcism of emily rose
-watched a nine hour marathon of tila tequila while playing world of warcraft
-watched commercials that told me I have acne, I'm fat, that I need an ab ball and that I'm unattractive.

Today I am going shopping.
I can't believe how hard my life has become.

Actually, reading this entry I realize I sound like an ass ugly alcoholic drug addict with no life or future.
What has become of me?

I need to exorcise these demons. Any priests available?

I want a shot at love with Tila.

I also learned the term "butter face". Hilarious.

xoxox
Sharon

Quelle Coincidence!

2007-12-13T06:17:14Z

Happy birthday Dick Van Dyke!

Today he is 82 years young.

In case you didn't know he starred in Diagnosis, Murder. What a hottie.

Angela Lansbury, star of Murder, She Wrote and the voice of Mrs. Pots from Beauty and the Beast also recently turned 82 so happy belated to her.

They both starred in murder mystery tv shows as elderly detectives. what a coincidence they should be the same age too!

Oh too be young and in love again...

In other news my final paper is due at 3pm today. The clock is ticking and I am dicking (around).

flapjack_shit @ 2007-12-09T23:09:00

2007-12-10T04:10:54Z

I lost my phone. This could be a good thing.
Please forward messages to facebook.
RIP phone... unless you are still out there somewhere.

flapjack_shit @ 2007-12-09T18:30:00

2007-12-09T23:30:25Z

jake is clearly the best thing to ever happen to the world. love him!

flapjack_shit @ 2007-11-21T16:57:00

2007-11-21T22:08:53Z

my tarot book should be getting here any minute.

I'm so excited that I just squirted a little pee in my pants.

tonight i am going to paint and do laundry and drink coke and divine.

american thanksgiving is tomorrow but i have to work at 6...
hopefully i can make it for dessert.

last night the laundry machine exploded and the neighbor's got flooded with dirty water.
today the laundry machine works.
Last night my heart was flooding. Today its still broken.

I am so emo (tional). Repairs are not op (tional).

There is much cleaning to be done.

flapjack_shit @ 2007-11-20T10:51:00

2007-11-20T15:56:15Z

Good news:

I got a 77 on a test even though the points taken off should have made it a 67. So much for academic
integrity.

Mark's opera is tonight. Can't wait to see it. Opera is good drama.

No more bad drama.

flapjack_shit @ 2007-11-04T15:29:00

2007-11-04T20:38:46Z

Dear Jason,
Why did you fucking play me like that?
I'm so going to kill the fucking kids.
Fuck you,
Medea

Great day so far.
For some reason Jake showed up at 11 and I thought it was Anna.
He suggested going to his house to study, which was really interesting
and a good idea in general.
On the way, we took the 55 and decided on impulse to stop in China town
because we were all ***starving***.
Jake suggested Dim Sum but it was too crowded so we went to this place no
one has ever been to (Val or erica) and I was skeptical at first.
Ordered this delicious general tao chicken and beef "hot pot", but it
wasn't a real hot pot which was disappointing, yet interesting because
deliciousness ensued.
Now I'm at jake's looking forward to a night of good studying because
I have a test tomorrow and a midterm thursday.
I'm hungry again. Eternally hungry for something I cant quite name.
Oh yeah and new development - yoga this week!!!! Hoorah!

xoxo

flapjack_shit @ 2007-10-29T16:46:00

2007-10-29T20:46:44Z

Dear Kant,

Your critique of judgment was written in poor taste.

love, kai

flapjack_shit @ 2007-10-17T20:12:00

2007-10-18T00:22:11Z

I think to truly accept something is to realize that you knew it was going to be that way all along. And to feel good about yourself, in the moment, for having known.

Chyna in action

2007-10-16T01:50:12Z

Oh and also, echeck out my number one gurl's new video. (LUV YOU TAWNYA). Thighmaster 4 lyfe. Finger me in exchange for reduced sentences anyday.

Me and my Gurls (<3 u girls)

2007-10-16T01:46:56Z

Hey guys,

I've really missed you! I haven't posted in a while, but boy do I have a treat for you...

Recently, some of my old friends were in town and we decided to make a little video for old time sake. So, you better get ready for an eye full. It's just us girls, hanging out, doing our thing with our favorite song playing in the background. And yes, those are all my bathing suits! I love getting the girls together for dress up and film making. I want to thank you all for your continued support (especially you, Tawnya) and there's a lot more coming... this is just a taste.

Enjoy! and don't be shy about commenting and telling me how I look!

Saturday

2007-10-02T03:15:27Z

I think it's safe to say that your party was a success when you find
some drunk bitch's panties in your storage room the next morning.

pOOpskie

2007-09-23T23:28:09Z

"HOGWATCH"

I want to feed Poopskie by hand.

Yay preservation!

Unsent

2007-09-20T21:39:13Z

Dear Jesus,

you have abandoned me once again. Now I'm left alone, without my armor, reading jewel's groundbreaking work, "a night without armor".

Dear Jewel,

Where was your fucking armor when you really needed it that night?

My head is swarming with locusts and the blood and tears of every last gypsy womyn.

I hear an applause coming, but I am not proud. I shy away from your kudos. I am like the lochness monster in the living room. Do i exist? You look at me with such awe and reverence and yet I am caged, doomed to be your spectacle.

My breasts feel as though they have been suckled on by all of your children. Your hungry children who have torn my breasts and left me empty and broken. Your children become the men who eat me. And i nurture them in my masochistic way.

Dear Jesus,

Why have you left me?

I hate Nick, what a dick!

2007-09-13T20:25:20Z

Hi,

My lungs are burning today because I smoked like it was going
out of style for the last 4 days and now I'm like a trucker. cool.

Today my professor was lecturing to us about Plato and he seriously
said the name "Longinus" 5 times in one sentence and it is pronounced
like the "gin" in vagina so I couldn't stop laughing and no one else seemed
to think anything was that funny and maybe it wasn't.

I'm also really happy about how my friendship with Val is going. We took it to
the next level last night and now she is with child.

Also, last night was erotic drawing night and Mark and I drew erotic pictures to hang
on the fridge.

My roomate Nick repulses me beyond words. I'm actually vomiting in my mouth
as I type this...

fruit man ripping birds out of his skull

2007-09-12T14:37:31Z

This is the tapestry that adorns our living room wall.

I feel this semester has started off very fresh.
I feel rejuvenated in so many ways.
I feel like I may finally be recovering the self image I had three years ago.

I think after spending 7 years of your life completely tied to and influenced by
someone can make you lose certain parts of yourself. I am feeling the potential
for positive experiences in my surroundings for the first time since I started
university and I am floored to realize that I had been closed down to the idea
for so long. I am seeing a future in everything I do and everyone I meet.

I love my living situation. I am surrounded by positive and active people twenty
four hours a day. I can't explain how exciting it is for me to be truly liking and
appreciating myself. Breaking ties can be a very good thing. And i guess I mean ties
with people as well as ties with myself.

I feel like this is turning Alanis Morrissette really fast.

I didn't think britney spears' performance was that terrible. I feel bad
that people made fun of her appearance and weight gain. I love that song. And I love Britney Spears. But I think she is going to commit suicide.

Lol what the hell?

"Clown"

2007-04-29T01:56:36Z

CLOWN exists in his casino where everyone is a winner.

We shall call him "Mr. Clown" because you probably can not conceive of the
truth-- that is, that CLOWN is in fact clown in itself. So while "Mr.
Clown" is inaccurate, you probably simply can not understand that he is CLOWN.
Perhaps, to help you understand, it should be noted that Mr. Clown does
not have to put on cosmetics everyday, he is his cosmetics, his cosmetics are
part of his infinite wisdom and glory of being simply, yet truly and complexly
CLOWN.

Now we shall try to understand Mr. Clown through examining his element:
The Casino where Mr. Clown rules supremely and benevolently.

Mr. Clown is terribly and irreversably obese. He is constantly in a
state of "busting out" of his lavishly jeweled, blood-speckled one piece
jumpsuit. Screaming laughter that curdles the blood of any warm-blooded
creature, he appears in the casino, amongst the throngs of old women and
children mechanically, yet joyfully, pulling on the slots.

Everyone is a winner in Mr. Clown's casino.

flapjack_shit @ 2006-10-18T23:15:00

2006-10-19T03:22:31Z

Sometimes when I'm looking at the internet and looking
at people on myspace and I come across someone and I
look at their picture and it is just a torso or
a mostly naked body I start to feel really funny.
Not funny like hahahahahahahahahahahahaha, but more like
really off like I am looking at something I really
shouldn't be looking at. If my mother saw me looking at
it I would be embarrassed and so would she I'm sure. It's
really not funny torso people, put a shirt on because I
am repressed and it makes me uncomfortable and kind of
aroused.

My mother called me today from Italy and she was drunk and
it was before noon, whoa lush wait til noon at least I mean
come on. And then I realized it was 7pm there so maybe I'm the
lush since I was drunk when she called and it was before noon.
Talk about a reversal!

I also want to talk about how the center is the center but it's
also not the center because it's outside of the structure.

My friend sent me a postcard from Berlin and it was black and red
and it said BERLIN on it and there was a quadraped creature dancing
on two legs somewhere on it. I am really scared of Berlin now
because I feel like it oppressed me even though it was only
a postcard.

Marion's Bones

2006-08-04T11:03:01Z

Sometimes Marion would broil herself some chicken legs on
those nights her husband would come home late or not at all.
Or those days when he would fail to call promptly at noon
or three or six.

They always seemed to know the right thing to say, the right
time to say it. They understood the feeling of being a part
missing from the whole, no utility value. But oh how Marion
valued those little legs!

"Delightful!" she expelled. "Positively delightful!" And she
clapped her hands together in unrestrained excitement, not unlike an
infant.

The sizzling thighs seemed to wink at her from inside of her self cleaning
oven and Marion happily winked back. It was times like these that Marion
wished her husband would never come home at all. And it was times like
these that Marion thought the cooking timer would never go off!

But it always did. And so it did that night.

Marion lit her dining room table cloth ablaze to capture that perfect ambiance
that could be created no other way. Seated at her table she daintily picked off
the skin and began efficiently cleaning the meat from the bone.

Pushing the bones ever so gently aside she winked and said, "You wait over there,
I have something larger in store for you."

By the time she began eating, sweat was already drenching and soiling her dress
and underwear. The fire licked the chandelier that dangled above her table.

"Oh my, now isn't that chafing!" she giggled as she adjusted her underwear.

She quickly finished eating and extinguished the blaze in her kitchen. She
stood back and examined the piles of smoldering ash, tilting her head slightly
in disapproval.

"I really must remind Joseph not to smoke in the kitchen. It simply is not
proper. And before work! Such a shame, that habit."

Seeing no alternative, as her boney guests were awaiting her, Marion decided
to put off cleaning the kitchen until a later hour or date. She adjusted her
dress and put her apron back on as well as her pumps, which she had slid off
during her meal. She gathered the bones up and brought them to a cupboard above the
stove. She opened the cupboard, revealing spices and soup cans. Turning slowly around,
she shot a suspicious glance behind her and to her sides before pushing the spices
and cans aside to reveal a smaller cupboard within.

Whispering something incomprehensible to the bones, she gingerly reached for the cupboard.
With a gasp of reverence, she flung open the cupboard to reveal hundreds
upon hundred of chicken bones, all perfectly clean and gleaming in her
glassy eyes. She quickly placed the bones with their brethren and slammed
both cupboards shut with a loud breath of relief.

With a brushing of her hands she made her way to the toilet to muse on
her precious new bones.

flapjack_shit @ 2006-07-31T20:52:00

2006-07-31T21:25:21Z

The little hand set itself on top of three as Marion hung up the phone.
It had rang consistantly at noon and three and six every monday through
friday since the day of her marriage. This friday was no different in that
way; however, today there was a slight difference in the way that Marion saw her
dishwasher. She noticed that the light indicating that the machine was running
glowed a bright green.

"How odd..." she remarked. "And how rather upsetting!"
Recoiling at the sight of the green monstrosity, Marion frowned and sighed.
"How utterly absurd and illogical," she exclaimed.

And for the first time in twenty-one years since she received it as a
wedding gift, Marion spat on her dishwasher.

She gathered twenty-one years of phlegm into her throat and hacked it up
with a cough of fury and expelled it gracefully and efficiently, as any
dignified woman of a certain age would do. Right onto the green light.

Satisfied, Marion watched her glob of revenge drip down the face of that
wretchedly deceitful machine and grinned as it crawled to the bottom and
dripped onto the white tile of her newly renovated kitchen. Lowering herself
to the floor, Marion yanked out a rag from her apron pocket and disposed of
the stain on her tile.
"That simply will not do," she said sternly as she cleaned her floor and she
wiped ever so slightly the bottom of her dishwasher, if only to prevent further
drippage.
She lifted herself up, straightened her dress and remarked once more on her
dishwasher.
"Someone may take that green light to mean go and hurt herself tremendously. The
dishwasher is running, clearly one should stop, not go!" she thought, marveling
at the utter lack of logic. Suddenly Marion was not so satisfied with the
vengence she had taken on her dishwasher.

So for the first time in twenty-one years, Marion kicked her dishwasher.
She threw back her freshly shaven right leg and launched it at the settings
panel of her newly disowned machine.

She kicked it, straight-faced, though the leather on the toe of her high heel
began to peel back. She kicked it until the heel broke off of her shoe and the
dishwasher puttered to a stop.

Breathless, Marion wiped the sweat off of her forehead and replaced the one curl
that had fallen from her tight bun. She looked at her scuffed up, broken dishwasher.
"Try to deceive me you..." she began to say, when she noticed the green light still
mocking her.

The clock struck three-thirty.
"I see you won't let me win so easily. One must struggle to impose reason on this world!"
Marion never was a woman to flee from a challenge. As a new plan quickly came to her,
she straightend her shoulders, tilted her head up and curled her lips slightly into
a triumphant grin.

Her heel dragged uncomfortably as she began to move awkwardly toward the bathroom
to put her plan into motion. Suddenly she noticed that her white tile was stained red.
"Hmmm... that will not do at all," she sighed.
She cleaned up her blood efficiently and then stuffed the rag into the hole in the toe of her shoe, to prevent drippage.
"We'll have to bandage that up right away!"

She continued to the bathroom, the green light glowing all the way after her.